A Lesson Re-learned

Last night I played a $40 buy in tournament in Cambridge run by a woman named Trudi. It was a home tourney, the structure was good and the whole thing was monitored by laptop. It was pretty uneventful for me and I was knocked out something like 5 or 6 (out of 16 players) when my straight was beat by a rivered full house. That was fine, nothing I could do about it. After that I played a cash game and between the tourney and cash game I lost about $100 (about 1/3 of my already modest bankroll).

If I want to be a good poker player I have to be honest with myself, not just in poker but in day to day life. I have to consider why I make certain decisions and not make excuses for bad decisions. Last night wasn't a good night for me, it seemed like most of the time I was one step behind , AQ vs AK, pocket Ks vs pocket As, etc. Those things happen and that's fine, the idea is to push on while minimizing my losses and maximizing my wins. A couple of hours into the game I was stuck about $55 or so when I got lucky and doubled up when my AQs hit a flush against AA. Now I had about $30. After that hand I managed to scrap up a few more chips when I found AQo in late position against a standard preflop raise. I reraised and got called by the original raiser making it heads up. The flop came AJx. My opponent bet, I raised, he reraised, and this is where I really messed up. I made some crucial laydowns earlier in the night and I was happy with those moves, especially considering how poorly I was doing and how easy it is throw money away when feeling beaten up. Now I KNEW deep down that I was beat, my opponents mock disgust with the flop coupled with his confident aura let me know he was in very good shape, but regardless, for some unknown reason, I pushed all in. I pushed all in when my instinct was telling me my hand was no good. He called and of course I was beat. I walked away just about broke for the night when I could have left in ok shape. Just doing the math now I'm realizing I was in better shape before that hand then I thought I was.

So the question is why did I throw my money away at the end? I thought I had disciplined myself not to make bad moves like that. I mulled it over as I was falling asleep last night and realized it was lack of confidence & poor self esteem mixed with the friendly spirit of the game. The last couple of weeks have averaged a loss for me (last night makes it a %50 cut to my bankroll) and I was feeling defeated and worn down (resulting in low self esteem and lack of confidence in my poker playing ability), and even though I thought I was at the point where I could just push through those feelings, last night proved that I'm not 100% there. As I called I told my opponent I owed him one (he was the one who doubled me up earlier when I cracked his As) and told myself that if I was in fact beat that it was no big deal, just money, just a friendly game. I thought I was done with that way of thinking.

Will I make a mistake like this again? Maybe, but I'm happy to have walked away with a valuable lesson (re)learned.